My Mom is a Vampire

I grew up in a big neighborhood that covered a full section. Halloween was a Big Deal. My street was right in the middle of the neighborhood, so, we would go to the far edge, trick or treat like madmen back to the middle, stop at the house, unload our bounty and head out to canvas the rest of the 'hood. And we did all of that without our parents following us in the car. Sigh. Those were they days. Since my Mom didn't have to accompany us on our candy grabbing tear through the neighborhood, she stayed at the house to pass out candy and scare the crap out of little kids.

I guess you could say my Mom enjoyed Halloween and all the spooky scary goodness that goes along with it. One year, when I was about 14 and way too cool for school, my Mom really outdid herself. Our house had a long, deep porch and Mom decorated it with all kinds of cobwebs, bats and the like and replaced the porch light with a black light. She appropriated my boom box to play eerie music. And, she was decked out in the finest of vampiress attire. Long black dress, long black wig, pale make up, vampire fangs, crimson red lips and blood dripping from her mouth and chin.

My posse and I had hit the neighborhood mid point and were stopping by my house to drop off our full candy sacks. As we got closer to the house, we could see a big crowd of kids in front of my house. What the...? I walked into the middle of the crowd and asked what was going on. A wide eyed little boy said, "she hurt him!" I was like, "What?" "Who hurt who?" The little boy pointed to my brother, "that lady hurt that boy." My brother was standing in front of the porch in a white shirt with "blood" on the front of his shirt and all over his neck. And my Mom, the vampire, was on the porch eyeing all the other tasty little necks standing in her front yard. Even though I was at that age when I wanted absolutely nothing to do with my parents or any of their shenanigans, I had to admit, it was pretty awesome scene. A big yard full of kids who believed that my Mom was a vampire who attacked my brother. That's what Halloween is all about! I guess kids now days are too savvy to believe such a thing. What good times they are missing out on. BOO!!!

Easter Jesus

It would be sweet to hold onto this until Easter, but it is just too hilarious not to share now.

Easter Jesus | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Jimi Hendrix and me

I'm going to write about my worst hangover ever for Ben's "Don't be a Jonze" challenge over at No Ordinary Rollercoaster.

My first hangover, was also my worst hangover.

I was about 14 and my parents were hosting a wedding reception at our house for one of my uncles. There was a champagne fountain. In the champagne fountain was champagne cocktail. It was sooo tasty! I had several (maybe more than several) glasses. There was a pretty large crowd, so it wasn't too difficult to slide my cup under the fountain for a refill.

Later, after the reception ended, my parents went out to dinner, which left me, my younger brother and my best friend Tiff at home alone. I was feeling REALLY good, and decided to drink a whole tea glass of white wine! Mmmm...Mmmmm. A short while later, I was laying in the front yard having hallucinations and my brother was begging me to go in the house. He and Tiff finally got me in the house, and then the barfing began. And then, the dry heaving began. I was certain I was going to die. I didn't even know what dry heaving was. I finally laid down, but I was afraid to go to sleep, because I had heard recently that Jimi Hendrix died when he asphyxiated on his on vomit in his sleep after a heavy night of drinking. Awesome. I just knew that was the fate that awaited me.

Obviously, I didn't die. But the next day I wanted to. It was Father's Day. I remember going out to a really cool restaurant for dinner and I couldn't even nibble on a piece of bread without feeling nauseous. My parents kept asking what was wrong, was I sick? My explanation of not being hungry wasn't selling too well. I'm certain I was green. It's not easy being green. Shudder.

I have had a few hangovers since then, but that was the absolute worst. And I still cannot even smell champagne, much less drink it. Good Times! Don't be a Jonze

Of Boobs and Bumps

I'm Pink for October! October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so I'm going to share with you my brush with breast cancer.


The year 2002 was a very eventful time for me. I was getting divorced, getting ready to start law school, getting layed off when our company was bought out, saying goodbye to my favorite soon to be ex father in law who passed away and on top of all that, I found a "lump" in my breast. I really hate the word "lump" and so I referred to it as my "bump."

I was 36 and had not had a mammogram yet. I was in the shower and felt a a "bump" in my breast. It felt like a pea. I went to my ob-gyn and he sent me off for a mammogram. The mammogram didn't detect anything. Next stop, an ultrasound. On the ultrasound you could clearly see the "bump." Unfortunately, the ultrasound cannot tell whether the "bump" is cancerous or not.

Next stop, the surgeon. I go in with my ultrasound reports in hand and wait in the exam room with my paper shirt on. The surgeon comes in and asks if I mind if the interns observe while he exams me. I was thinking "one or two" interns. Oh no, there was a gaggle of interns, all male. So the surgeon removes my paper shirt and I am sitting there completely exposed from the waist up with a room full of men watching as the surgeon feels me up. I was already freaking out because of the "bump" and now I was freaking out, embarrassed, mortified and oh, did I say FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because I am nude from the waist up with a bunch of men in the room and I have a "bump" in my breast. The doctor confirmed what I already knew, there is a "bump" in my boob. He gave me my options, do nothing and monitor it or do a needle biopsy which could tell us if it is cancerous. In spite of the intern debacle, I really liked the surgeon, Dr. Jimmy Jones. He was very caring and fatherly. I opted for the needle biopsy because I didn't want to keep worrying and wondering.

Next stop, needle biopsy. Needless to say, for this procedure I put the ixnay on any interns in the room and took my bestest Tiff with me. It was an in office procedure. He took a really long needle and tried to aspirate the "bump." He didn't have much luck. Again, he advised I could wait and see or go ahead and have the "bump" removed. He said that if I was his daughter, he would want me to remove it. So, that's what I did.

Next stop, surgery center. It was an out-patient procedure and the bestest Tiff took me to the surgery center. General anesthesia, yay! I love that feeling when you are just going under. 30 seconds of pure joy. Then, when I wake up, tears that won't stop. Bizarrro. Evidently this is a common reaction when coming out of anesthesia. Back to the "bump." Surgeon Jimmy removed the "bump" and sent it off to the lab. Bestest and I picked up my lortab, went to burger king and was at her house by 11:00 am. I spent the rest of the day recovering on her fabulous couch in a pain pill induced paradise, tummy full of whopper with cheese and an ice pack on my boob. A few days later, I got the results of the biopsy...no cancer!!! I was beyond relieved.

What I learned from my experience:

• Don't rely on the mammogram. In my case the mammogram did not detect the "bump." DO YOUR MONTHLY SELF EXAMS LADIES! I found the "bump" in my breast while in the shower.
• Do get your mammogram, but DO YOUR SELF EXAM ALSO.
• And lastly, do you monthly self exams.

And that, my dears, is why I'm going Pink for October. Won't you join me?